Perspective

"Barring obstacles that God Himself may permit, ordinarily, when a couple marries, they should desire and gladly accept a large family."

This quote is from The Catholic Family Handbook by Fr. Lawrence Lovasik, published by Sophia Institute Press, in 1962. When I read this, I realized how much of the world's attitudes have crept into my thinking of late -- the attitude that one must, in some sense, apologize for having so many children. That the presumption should be towards a small family, and then with proof of "ability" or "good circumstances" or something, one could very cautiously and with a great deal of trepidation open one's marriage to another baby.

Fr. Lovasik goes on: "Beware of false arguments against having a large family: A large family costs too much ... Having many children wears a woman out before she reaches middle age ... You cannot give all your children an expensive education when you have a large family ... You cannot keep a neat, orderly home with many children." Each of these falsehoods he counters neatly and succinctly -- you have to read the book to find out what he says.

But notice -- he says nothing about inability to love so many, or to have time to yourself, or that many children would put a strain on marriage. These are the lies of the present day. I'd like to answer them, succinctly if possible:

Ordinary parents find it difficult to spread around their love to many children. This is such a juvenile objection and yet so present even in Catholic circles. Obviously, God doesn't dole out a certain amount of parental love to each person, like blood cells or number of teeth. Love is mystical; it increases through the exercise of itself -- each time a new baby comes, a parent's heart finds itself bigger, more tender, not only able but eager to love actively, and without taking from any other child. In fact, having a new baby in the house often increases everyone's love for everyone else!

Having many children prevents you from having time to yourself, without which you will go crazy or lose your personality. Fr. Lovasik actually answers this objection really well in the book, so do read it, but here's my two cents. Most of us in the U.S. have had a spoiled upbringing in this regard. We get used to having hours each day to "unwind," to "relax," to "veg." That isn't by itself sinful, except that it gets us thinking that this is our right. But we are Christians -- our time is not our own but is given to us to build His kingdom and serve Him. And we can only serve Him by serving others. To be "poured out as an offering." Now, every person does need to have a little bit of time alone, to pray and think and pursue personal interests. But you can do that with a lot of children. Witness me blogging -- bathrobe and all. And as to losing your personality, this is cowardice before God's providence; He gave us our selves and He alone will perfect our selves. "Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it," etc etc.

A large family puts a strain on a marriage. Again, Fr. Lovasik answers this perfectly. He says, "The responsibilities of the family develop your God-given powers and help you to mature spiritually, mentally, and physically ... A person who has never surrendered whole-heartedly to any purpose outside himself remains immature all his life." I fully agree.

However, I do think that the world of the 21st century is different than when Lovasik was writing -- it's far more inimical to marriage and duty. Thus, in a way this objection is somewhat truer today. Nothing in American culture today is geared toward a family with more than two children. Everything -- housing costs, housing sizes, school and sports obligations, even the size of hotel rooms and serving amounts listed in recipes -- is aimed at the two-child and two-income family. Trying to raise a large family on one income is today something sort of like being the only immigrant in the neighborhood -- everyone stares, nothing is set up for your way of life, no one understands your language -- and it is wearing at times. And this can certainly put a strain on a marriage. The key, of course, is prayer, Mass, and a healthy dose of surrender. Which is what we're called to as Catholics anyway. In an atmosphere of prayer and solidarity, a large family cannot help but pull a husband and wife closer together. A large family provides a great many more opportunities to love. Love is the only thing worth anything in this world. It's the only thing worth pouring yourself out for, and it's the only thing that returns to you, a thousand-fold, fresher and stronger than it left you.