Guilt no more childbirth

In honor of youngest sister Gabs, who is due to have her first baby ("Shim" thus far) any day now, I post the following items for having a guilt-no-more childbirth experience.

1. There is no reason to make life more difficult than it has to be. THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE for as many of your waking hours as possible. Here are some possible topics: the pathetic nature of the Olympics today; US foreign policy in regard to North Korea; the cider vinegar-as-health-supplement debate; interesting wallpaper ideas for the bedroom; the unusual linguistic patterns of that one region of Africa where they click; whether and to what extent classical music is a thing of the past.

2. You will know they are real contractions, just as you know for sure when you sneeze. There's really no mistaking the sensation, after a certain point.

3. Eat, Mama, eat. Get those energy drinks and have them cold, so that during early labor you can keep up your strength even if your stomach is saying, "No way! No way! Major bodily disruption occurring! No time to digest!"

4. Do not pack your hospital bag until your due date. If you go into labor early, there is nothing that you would really lack, not living five hours from the hospital and having a husband who will be more than happy to run home to get you your special bathrobe. However, if you should not have been delivered of your child BY that date, it will be TORTURE to sit there looking at it as it lurks smugly in the corner, taunting your increasingly impossible physical condition.

5. What to pack: a toothbrush and toothpaste. Very very very important. Also, one really cute unisex outfit for the baby. Also, your favorite cute maternity outfit that you can wear home -- choose something almost dressy. You want to feel human as you go out in public. And finally, many and various fun, light, pretty magazines. Nix to Catholic World Report, First Things, the Economist, or anything relating to politics or world events. Think Country Living, Faith and Family, Real Simple, etc. Oh, and the car seat.

6. What not to pack: four shirts, two skirts, six pairs of socks, games, videos, writing paper, receiving blankets or diapers (the hospital has these), a laptop, curling iron, stuffed animals, etc. The books might say that these are helpful. In reality, by the time you need to be in the hospital, none of this stuff is going to be helpful.

7. Your poor husband. Give him permission to eat junk food throughout the entire hospital stay, since that is what will probably be most comforting and easy for him. Do not require him to eat fruit. Don't yell at him -- he's more scared of this than you are. Also, give him things to do -- fetching ice water, calling relatives, making the hospital staff be PERFECTLY SILENT during your hardest contractions.

8. Childbirth is not meant to be done all at once. If you start to feel overwhelmed, remember that you only have to get through each moment on an individual basis. Do NOT start asking yourself, "If it's this hard now, how hard will it be when yada yada yada..." God will give you the grace to meet each contraction and each push with the strength it requires. And if there are unforeseen complications, realize that He will guide you through them as well.

9. The ordinary healthy woman, in a low risk healthy childbirth situation, can give birth completely without fear. If something weird or unusual should arise, that is why you are in the hospital with trained staff. Trust that your body can do this.

10. You know that saying, "the light at the end of the tunnel"? Well, at the end of this particular tunnel, there is A BABY! And he or she will be a creation unlike any other! So if the unforeseen does occur, you can remember it was just that particular tunnel, and the important part of the journey is the BABY!

11. Nurses are human beings too; let them help you, but don't let their faults depress you. Here are some things nurses are experts on: labor aids, postpartum care, dosing medicine, checking vitals, caring for your comfort and safety, monitoring your progress. Here are some things that nurses are not NECESSARILY experts on: breastfeeding frequency, childrearing, sleep styles, infant calming techniques, US foreign policy in relation to North Korea.

12. Childbirth is exhausting, and not only for you. You may be surprised to see your husband as haggard and incoherent as he may be; although you are the one who went through the delivery from the front lines so to speak, he was your key support staffer, and a large part of his suffering was that he could not do nearly enough to shoulder yours for you. Also, he has just met his first child. He is a father now. That very fact can make a man want to sleep for twenty-four hours straight, just as soon as he has had a good two-three beers.